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Norwich Bulletin - 2/3/2008

Please Press One

You have reached Rene and Clint Knapp and Helping Paws. Please listen carefully to your options, as the menu has changed since my last column.

Press 1 if you have decided you want to get a new puppy and need a place to bring your older dog and cat because they arenít cute and fun anymore.

Press 2 if you are looking for free medical advice, even though you know we are not veterinarians but want our advice anyway.

Press 3 if you live in a $300,000 home, make a great salary and have a dynamite pension plan, but want a voucher to spay the stray living in your yard.

Press 4 if you live in a $300,000 home, make a great salary and have a dynamite pension plan, but want us to come and get the stray living in your yard, and you donít want to make a donation.

Press 5 if you have an old, sick and blind cat and your teenage son has suddenly become allergic to the cat and you need to bring him to a shelter right away.

Press 6 if you have two five year old cats, had a baby, donít work and want to get rid of your cats because you canít possibly continue to take care of two cats and a baby in the same day.

Press 7 if you have two five year old cats, had a baby, donít work and want to place the baby because you canít possibly take care of a baby and two cats in the same day.

Press 8 if you have redecorated your house and your cat no longer matches the dťcor so you need to exchange it for a different color.

Press 9 if you just realized you are moving tomorrow and have to get rid of your cats today.

Press 10 if you are over 80 years of age and only want to adopt a very active kitten who will outlive you because you think you are too young to adopt an older cat.

Press 11 if you have put your mother into a nursing home and need to immediately get rid of her beloved pets because you do not want to bother caring for the animals that she has loved for the past nine years.

Press 12 if a relative has passed away and you want to immediately get rid of the two fourteen year old cats that meant the world to your relative because the cats wonít fit into your lifestyle.

Press 13 if you want a Helping Paws volunteer who does not get paid, to drop everything and rush over to your house and pick up the cat you no longer want.

Press 14 if you are moving to Florida next week and you have just determined that the stray you have been feeding for the last year is not your cat and you need someone to take it right away.

Press 15 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to get up to go to work, because you want to drop off a cat at my house on your way to work.

Press 16 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know that you have left a cat in our yard in a sealed up cardboard box, in the middle of summer, during a heat wave, which is, in fact, better than leaving the cat with no message.

Press 17 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know that you have left a cat in our yard in a sealed up cardboard box, in the middle of winter, during a snowstorm, which is, in fact, better than leaving the cat with no message.

Press 18 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your personal cat that you have had for the last ten years as the cat is not our responsibility.

Press 19 if you are going to threaten to take that ten year old cat I refused to take and throw it outside to live and you want me to be sure to know that it will be my fault.

Press 20 if you are going to threaten to take that ten year old cat I refused to take to a vet to have it euthanized and want me to be sure to know that it will be my fault.

Press 21 if you are looking for someone to take your 80 pound dog who has a slight aggression problem in that it has killed your neighborís cats and bitten their child.

Press 22 if you have already called once and we told you we do not take personal pets but you thought you might get a different person with a different answer.

Press 23 if you want us to keep your personal pet while you go on a three month vacation (free of charge, of course).

Press 24 if it is Christmas Eve and you want me to personally deliver an eight week old kitten to your house and tell your kids Santa sent me.

Press 25 if it is Easter Sunday and you want me to personally deliver a baby rabbit to your house and tell your kids the Easter Bunny sent me.

Press 26 if it is six months after Christmas or Easter and you want me to take back the kitten or the bunny because it is no longer cute and your kids are bored with it.

Press 27 if you are calling for us to take your female cat who has already had several litters, but you donít want us to spay her because she is pregnant again and abortion is against your religion.

Press 28 if you have a great lie to tell us and you want to make sure you get a young, naÔve volunteer who will feel bad and take your personal pet off your hands.

Press 29 if you called us six months ago and we would not adopt a kitten out to you because you wanted to declaw, and now your six month old cat you did not get from us, is biting and not using the litter because it is declawed and you want us to take it.

Press 30 if you need to get rid of your two year old male cat who is spraying all over your house and, oh, by the way, you havenít gotten around to having him neutered yet.

Press 31 if you previously adopted an indoor only cat from Helping Paws and you are calling because she is suddenly pregnant.

Press 32 if you previously adopted an indoor only cat from Helping Paws and you are calling for another cat because yours got run over when you let him outside.

Press 33 if you need a kitten immediately and cannot wait because today is your childís birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 34 if you previously adopted a cat from Helping Paws, signed the contract that said you will not declaw, but you declawed the cat anyway and you want to volunteer to pay the $500 fine that is written in the contract.

Press 35 if your new boyfriend or girlfriend doesnít like your cat and you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next month anyway), instead of the cat.

Press 36 if you understand that we donít take in cats anymore but you just want us to make an exception and take yours because it is just one more.

And finally, please press 37 if you are not calling us to take your pet, but want to make a large donation to our cause to thank us for the work that we do.

Out of all of these calls, only two have not actually happened in the past eleven years Ė can you guess which ones (if you guessed 7 and 36 you would be correct)!

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